Reacting Dead

You can react to anger
it is blazing raging red
You can react to pain
curl up into a ball on your bed
How do you react to nothingness
the empty echoing shell
What do you do when all inside of you
is dead.


Saying Goodbye

No matter how hard you fight
every game of pretend
must come to an end
together forever
together til the end
well who would have thought
the end would be so near
I stand there watching silently
as you pack all your emotional things
memories are folded nice and square
every moment when we laid our souls bare

No matter how hard we fought
we knew that playing pretend
would never end well
well here we are
you on the other side of the door
tears choke out of my throat
as I hold the door
not sure if it I want to close
saying goodbye isn’t easy
saying goodbye isn’t fun
but it’s time to say goodbye
so I shut the door.

I lean back against the door
cuz I can’t support myself
It’s hard to face reality
when all you’ve done is pretend
My body slides down
as my tears cascade
my defenses crumble
but I have no strength to pray
In all honesty
I never thought reality would be so hard
I’d just like to lay here dead and play pretend.

-inspired by song Remember When- by Avril Lavigne

Death’s kiss

Two lovers meet
cold lips against cold lips
they synchronize souls and into each other they dip…
two lovers meet on the other side of the fence
his bony fingers and hers intertwine
wrapped and wrapped in embalming twine
two lovers greet and become one
body above body
cold and sweet
insects creep
emotions peak
lovers and death’s kiss
two lovers meet
a little too late
their bodies have had time to deteriorate
lovers lovers buried deep
an unfortunate tale
of a love that could’ve been sweet
two lovers cross paths and never said a word
now they lay dead
what their love could’ve been they’ll never know

You the Desert

What’s worst than feeling pain
is not feeling at all
‘cuz you know that
something’s coming
like the silence before
the storm
it’s your mind prepping
by keeping your soul and body calm

What’s worse than believing everything
is believing nothing at all
‘cuz when shit hits the fan
you have nothing to cling to
it’s like drowning
and there’s nothing to cling to

What’s worse than feeling pain
is feeling desolate
a desert with no vegetation
no wind blows
and your soul stands stagnant
wilting under the weight
of the hot sun
that is life
dying because there is no
reason to live
and there is no feelings to feel.

Educate Yourself or Silence Yourself

So i’ve watched patiently as the rage and war against racism has riled up a few of you on here rather most of you on here are so surprised “my golly racism exists”!! Well here’s some facts for you, black people are the minority, and no that does not give them the right to be bullied but it is life and it happens. You live in a majority black neighborhood and due to your lack of incentive to read or learn about anything else have deluded yourself into thinking that when you step out of your bubble all the same rules apply outside. You’re wrong. You’ll 99% have to work twice as hard just to even be noticed or praised and I’m not talking about athletics. If you want another perspective here are some things you can read
1.The Color blind Emporer Has no clothes”
2.”White Privilege and Male Privilege”*
*educate yourself or silence yourself

Broken things and broken limbs

Today I woke up and did not break down. Today I put my foot off of my bed and it hurt today. Today I can not run and everything I have worked so hard for… blood, sweat, time, and tears is put on break. Today I woke up and was not the same.

To understand the magnitude of my dilemma place yourself in my shoes. Shoes that trek across campus all day long but after classes do not return directly to their dorm. Instead these shoes tread into the field house where there exchanged for running shoes and pounds the ground in search of speed. These shoes support me when I lift, when I stretch, when I run and yes even when I sit in need of rest from the strenuous activity of a approximately three hour practice.

“My shin hurts” I mutter repeatedly under my breathe but there is no rest for the weary and no excuse for a division 1 athelete. For months my shin has plagued me on and off it has disappeared and reappeared like any celebrity turned addict in and out of rehab but this time it stayed. The pain crept up on me bit in an refused to let go like an animal gone rogue. It pounded and struck up my inner right shin. It shocked me. It made me cringe to put pressure on the ball of my foot and what’s a sprinter who can’t run on the ball of her foot? Out of commission that’s what.

A day passed and nothing has changed and ice has not numbed the pain. I stand and cringe. I get dressed and find my way to help. His hands are meaty and warm and gives mine a shake enthusiastically. “How are you” he asks and nods as I answer his queries and describe my predicament. “Possible stress fracture” he says and I do not blink nor break for I have prepared myself for this possibilty. X-ray today he presses and MRI tomorrow “No running until I have the results pool and biking only.”  I take my slip and smile because of the two options that’s the most respectable, and based on your view the braver and stronger thing to do.

I march or a pathetic attempt at one into the field house. I trudge about looking at my teammates dressed and ready to train. I am an outsider today and I’m seeing things differently. My coach instructs me to go into the pool. I do not protest. I quickly change and walk back and forth in the chlorine pit and 20 minutes run by. I exit silently to attend to the next matter of business.

My usual gait wide and confident has been tainted my an ugly limp. It changes every few steps to accommodate the pain. My x-ray goes on incident free after of course being asked a billion times if I was pregnant, the favorite question of any medical staff to a female patient. I retire to my room to brood with Netflix and a Butterfinger in an attempt to drag myself from the pit I have sunk into. Self- pity was never my thing.

Another day passes and I wake and to no relief at all. I soon find myself in the hospital a place that I have always detested. We twist and turn until we finally find ourselves in Radiology department. Where we wait patiently and make conversation to pass the time and in my case fight off any negative thoughts lest my body reacts to my thoughts. The man is tall and nice as far as I can tell. “Where does it hurt?” he asks and I point to the spot. He places a yellow liquid filled sticker on it and I lay down head on a bed of pillows. “It will be about twenty minutes” he states before he leaves the room and leaves me with my thoughts.

The machine is huge and loud. Black ear muffs cover my ears and I am not allowed to move. The machine devours me I move deeper in as it shouts and yells rather offensively at me sounds that are hard to inscribe but varied and sometimes sound rather techno. The timer on the machine flickers on and off in it’s green lettering and I close my eyes to help it fly by more quickly. I do not panic. I am not claustrophobic.

It is over and I receive a disc. Now all thats left is to wait to have a the results read in a few days. There is nothing worse than not knowing the imagination has a strange way of running wild and tormenting you with possibilities. So I sit here distracting myself from all the sick possibilities with the help of itunes, facebook, netflix, homework -__-, and yes you wordpress.

p.s I’m going to see Hunger Games tonight!!

update: I indeed have a stress fracture. I’m in this boot for approximately two weeks.

The Murder Inside

Today I did not break
Even though my leg did quake
Today my soul was battered
bashed and banged
but I did not cave in
or out….
I refused to be bested
by futile attempts of fate
to break me
because I decide
when, how , and why
and even if I don’t
I decide whether I cry
or whether I smile
and damn it
if you think you have the slightest
idea what races through my mind
let me remind you that you have no clue
of my deepest blues….
no inkling
of the things that you may find creeping
today I have chosen
not to be broken
by forces beyond my control
because I can only control me
and stick my foot down heavy
on the throat of emotions
that appear to make me seem weak
today I have placed my fingers
around the neck of pain
of my weakness and my fear
caressing it gently
and faintly applied pressure
til it was faint no more
and squeezed til it was
there not at all.