The Murder Inside

Today I did not break
Even though my leg did quake
Today my soul was battered
bashed and banged
but I did not cave in
or out….
I refused to be bested
by futile attempts of fate
to break me
because I decide
when, how , and why
and even if I don’t
I decide whether I cry
or whether I smile
and damn it
if you think you have the slightest
idea what races through my mind
let me remind you that you have no clue
of my deepest blues….
no inkling
of the things that you may find creeping
today I have chosen
not to be broken
by forces beyond my control
because I can only control me
and stick my foot down heavy
on the throat of emotions
that appear to make me seem weak
today I have placed my fingers
around the neck of pain
of my weakness and my fear
caressing it gently
and faintly applied pressure
til it was faint no more
and squeezed til it was
there not at all.

My Core

I am not dead
I am indifferent
Chip away
like a sculptor with a marble piece
chip chip
as cracks appear
and pieces tumble away
my core is blazing bleeding blue
I am tender I am kind

Chip away to my core-
bang bang
peel away the cover
to dip your teeth into the juicy fruit
you won’t be disappointed
just give a little push

Pound away at my doors
pound and pound
against the cold steel
of ancient barriers
that protect something deep

You want to tear down my gates
and peep into my soul??
Truth is you just aren’t bold.
To have beat and have chipped
just to take a little dip
not to know that if you set in
even your feet
would be singed
by my sinister sins….

Chip away at my soul
Chip chip
and be engulfed
by purple pain
highlighted with glitter
Chip away
taste my core
you might be surprised
or you might just die. 🙂

Laughter

It’s funny how people claim to know you
when in fact they don’t know shit
It’s even funnier how people test you
when in fact you’re not even taking their test
you’re distracting yourself
from the bullshit
and all the rest
simply focusing on being the best
it’s hilarious that you are completely
shut off from people… “friends”
yet you’re still accused of blasphemous acts
should you be too busy to care?
I laugh at how funny it is
to have your character ripped apart
torn to shreds
Yep I laugh head held high
damn me and my pride
It’s funny how you can watch
everything  you’ve built fall
apart and not shed a tear
because you’ve built walls
so high that not even shock
and pain could climb past
It’s funny how cold you can become….
Ice Queens have nothing on me
But it’s even funnier that
all that shit isn’t funny at all.

How you’ve been?

How are you?
How have you been?
Does your soul cringe when it thinks of me?
How are you how have you been ?
Does your chest pain when it remembers me?
How are you how have you been do your palms sweat when it feels me?
howareyouhowhaveyoubeendoyoureyescrywhentheyseeme?
PAUSE breath and tell me really
how are you?
how have you been?
fine fine?
have u buried memories deep
or do you caress those that tickle the back of your mind late at night
when they rise from their coffins and damask cells
to torture and fill your soul with fright?
beautiful fright…
how are you and how have you been
remembering the pain and remembering the pleasure
that you’ve attempted to hide behind deceitful smiles
and new acquaintances that don’t and can’t measure up
to what you’ve known and admit it that’s something you won’t
confess to wanting
and they’ll never quite understand
your sick and twisted fate…..
or your sick and twisted needs….
How are you?
How have you been?
Dead you say?
DEAD.

Replugged Soul

My soul is dead
I detached it from my brain
that is why i feel naught
what it expresses
yet somehow i slipped up
and slipped the cord in
forgetting that it would make me feel
and with shit i just can’t deal
I slipped up
and slipped in a puddle of emotions
that turned out to be a pool
that turned out to be a ocean
i slipped up and drowned in my emotions
thinking about what was
My soul is dead again
and i will try my best to keep it that way
no slip ups
no remakes
no digging up
a dirty soul
i need a cleansing- soul??
but then i must acknowledge that i have a filthy soul
go through emotions that i’d rather fold
up in a filthy pretty little box
put in a casket and
in another metal box then and only then will
i seal the filth in a vault
throw it into the ocean of time and forget about it.
My soul is dead
unplugged from my head
I would rather not feel
I would rather think
because when your soul hurts
your heart breaks
and your eyes tear
but when your brain hurts
you pop some pills and go to sleep
My soul is dead.
I’ve unplugged it from my head.

Paper Dearest

Why is it that I can bear my soul to you paper?
Old lover old friend paper.
You do not judge me paper
so it is upon you I carve my
past sins in bloody ink
paper.
Upon you I bear my soul.

Why is it that you have yet to die paper?
My indiscretions should have suffocated you;
weighing down upon you
like the soil upon the dead in my head;
20feet under in your earthly bed
caressed by the pain and ghosts of the pasts-paper.

Why is it that I can bear my soul to you paper?
Perhaps it is because you are as cold as I
in all my frigid glory
and ice queen upon her thrown
emotional subjects frozen in time.
Paper,
Paper,
Paper.
Mind paper thin, line upon
line of paper reasons, lies,
and memories etched into my paper mind.

Bloody Sacrifices

My throat is closing
I cannot breath
hands stretched out
someone help be please
fingers grasp the air
in attempt to find fingers to grasp
even though by now i’ve learned
from time, that no one
can help you as you can help yourself

My throat is closing
I cannot breathe
I am dying
my dreams are dying
who I could be is dying
and I am struggling to save
sweat, blood and tears

My throat is closing
Slit my throat
and let my blood run free
blood sacrifice for blood sacrifice
living gold for gold
My throat is closing .
I cannot breathe.

The Nightmare Within

Inside me it is dying
Creeping
crawling
slowly dying
lethargic movements mark the progress
of it’s backwards decent into madness
inside me it is dying
I am crying
but no one sees
these invisible tears
they form oceans beneath my knees.
Inside me it is dying.
Creeping
Crawling
Invisibly crying.

:) smiles

Fake smile
half smile
smile that barely gets to your eyes type
mask on
show on
show off your skills type
fresh with it
barely let it show
shove down remorse shove down emotion
fear non existant type
pain translucent
emotions dressed up with it
layered up behind
layers upon layers of coal type
cement brick black
to the core with it
shivering dripping
slithering blackness
so dark it’s not even there pain
who’s in
who’s out with it
is it even possible to claw it out?
well is it?

Mentally Slipping

It’s as if my mind is on ice
feet slippin’
brain trippin’
attempting to get a grip
because small things
are becoming big
and my mind is burying
everything; itself
in other things that
may or may not seem senseless
but they are full of sense
in the sense that they are distractions
to keep from imploding
keep everything from exploding
dam breaking
tears flooding out
in an attempt to release
pressure from the river that is my soul…
my mind is slippin’
and no one really knows