When do you realize that you are depressed? Do you wake up one morning and you do not smile? Do you know when you wake up with no hopes? Do you back track searching for that thing that tipped you over the edge? When did your fuse grow so short and your hope dwindled to no fucks being given. Was it last week or last month? You don’t even know …. don’t even remember when you started moving in this emotional slush.
You are being dragged down by life. You communicate with others like an empty shell in short curt comments and responses… there is no real reason to speak. So more often than not you sit there and stare and completely lose focus. Your attention is pathetic …. you doze off and zone out and don’t even care to remember where you are. You struggle to be happy. You struggle to be whole.
Music is your savior for it can alter your mood, even if it’s just for a little while. It’s the only drug you need there’s no need for anything more extreme. It rushes through your veins, pounds on your soul and takes you on a ride. It allows you to be someone else or feel something else no matter how faint for a little while.
You do not cry. Crying is for people who feel. You don’t feel. You just are. A walking contradiction because although you are alive you do not feel like you are living. Something inside you is fighting. The flame that you think is dead flickers and every now and then you feel it but it is quickly eclipsed by the smothering dark that is your current situation. You don’t even put up a fight and you love a good fight.
You are alone. You, your books, and your music. Although you feel like quitting you know that something good is coming…. you hope. You are holding out because if you don’t believe that things will get better you would have nothing else. If you don’t have a little faith you have nothing else but a shell of a body and a bag of blues.
I thought poetry was dead… until I heard Joshua Bennett! Such a pleasant surprise as I scrolled through my facebook newsfeed in an attempt to escape my chemistry homework. My ears were blessed hope you love it.
Have you ever really watched people? I don’t mean creepy stalker watching. I’m speaking observing them. Have you ever seen the one with the loud laugh and the bright smile and realized it doesn’t quite reach their eyes. Have you peered a little closer and seen a sadness so deep it made you want to cry and when you ask their walls raised so quickly and they closed up just as fast. Those are the ones who hide in plain site.
They hide behind extravagance and false joy because it is easier to get by day to day on a lie than have to explain the truth to anyone. Would you like to hear that everything is wrong? That they are so completely and devastatingly alone no matter how surrounded they are by people. These people do not understand them nor do they make an attempt to for if they really did they would notice the pain. The glimpses of despair that every once in a while slip out of their carefully crafted chains and dance around the eyes and pull their brows a little closer together before they are wrestled back into submission.
They hide behind laughter so deep it quakes the soul but if you really paid attention you would smell the hints of melancholy that echo in their silence. If you really paid attention you would feel the dark shriek shrouded beneath those loud bells of laughter. These are the ones who hide in plain sight. No one ever knows because no one really cares and EVERYONE would much rather deal with fake joy than a broken being who has already decided that they are far from salvation. No one wants to put in the effort of healing torn souls.
This is for those who hide in plain plain sight. I see you. You are not alone. I spot the cracks in your carefully constructed masks, with your elegant displays of perfect content, and I see that your eyes don’t shine as bright and your joy doesn’t run as deep as everyone else thinks. This for those who hide in plain sight as an attempt just to function because you believe that if you pretend enough it will become real but in reality all you get is the ghosts of things you used to feel or should feel. This is for those who bury things deep and pray that they do not reach from their graves and pull you down into the dark abys. I see you…. you are not alone.
and slowly creep to meet mine
to feel silky sweet
against silky sweet
They gently part
it’s a true art
both beautiful and dark
Lips against lips
Lips against lips
and the truth it’s head peaks
out from the soul
there’s no truth that lips
dead against mine
I can feel his pain
clawing at my mind
there is no heat
there is no pull
it is static
it is crude
no matter how hard you bury
or how hard you hide
there is no truth
from your lips I can’t pry.
You can react to anger
it is blazing raging red
You can react to pain
curl up into a ball on your bed
How do you react to nothingness
the empty echoing shell
What do you do when all inside of you
No matter how hard you fight
every game of pretend
must come to an end
together til the end
well who would have thought
the end would be so near
I stand there watching silently
as you pack all your emotional things
memories are folded nice and square
every moment when we laid our souls bare
No matter how hard we fought
we knew that playing pretend
would never end well
well here we are
you on the other side of the door
tears choke out of my throat
as I hold the door
not sure if it I want to close
saying goodbye isn’t easy
saying goodbye isn’t fun
but it’s time to say goodbye
so I shut the door.
I lean back against the door
cuz I can’t support myself
It’s hard to face reality
when all you’ve done is pretend
My body slides down
as my tears cascade
my defenses crumble
but I have no strength to pray
In all honesty
I never thought reality would be so hard
I’d just like to lay here dead and play pretend.
-inspired by song Remember When- by Avril Lavigne
Two lovers meet
cold lips against cold lips
they synchronize souls and into each other they dip…
two lovers meet on the other side of the fence
his bony fingers and hers intertwine
wrapped and wrapped in embalming twine
two lovers greet and become one
body above body
cold and sweet
lovers and death’s kiss
two lovers meet
a little too late
their bodies have had time to deteriorate
lovers lovers buried deep
an unfortunate tale
of a love that could’ve been sweet
two lovers cross paths and never said a word
now they lay dead
what their love could’ve been they’ll never know