Freshman On Fire


I was a freshman like you were
a freshman like you are
full of hopes and dreams specifically and eagerly deceived.
And then I was on fire skin peeling burning for release.

I was a freshman like you were alone with my flames
that even though it tried sometimes it could not melt my soul.
And there will be times when you walk through campus blazing flames
begging to be seen or heard and no one will give a hot turd.

But other times you will find others on fire –friends
and you all shall blaze joyfully content to have chosen UC to be.
Blazing blue you shall laugh…. Smoke? Drink? Party?
Maybe run naked through hallways…. And in between it all pick up some knowledge.

I was a freshman like you are.
And it was beautiful-
blue flames that licked away at what you now think is an eternity of endless nights
endless ice endless tree endless credits endless life.

Well a few years down the line you may look back and realize
the exact moment your blue flame began to die
your blue blood began to thin and reality came stealthily creeping
hard and bold splashing water cold on your hopeful soul.

-Poem for the Uconn Free Press “Disorientation” issue October 2012

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Best Friends & Betrayal

My whole life I’ve had about 2 Best Friends excluding my current boyfriend. My latest best friend stopped being that at the beginning of this year. It hurt. It was unexpected but not shocking. It was betrayal.

Earlier this year I wrote a post about  friendship ( https://kizzyinchainz.wordpress.com/2011/02/10/the-audacity-of-friendship/ ). Please take a few minutes to check it out it might help you comprehend this piece better. It was brought to my attention that the two girls I used as the photo to represent the piece are no longer best friends. Was I shocked? A little. But what this, coupled with a few other things going on in my life made me think, was why? Why do great friendships end?  Why is it that the people that we trust the most and give so much too end up so distant from us?

First we have to examine the dynamics of these relationships. There are moments in life when we stumble across diamonds in the rough. At these moments we rarely ever think “o my, in a few months this diamond will feel that they’re too good for me,” or “o in a few months this diamond will cut instead of shine,” because in these moments we are awestruck by the beauty of these artificial suns. Take my advice if you stumble upon a diamond in the rough RUN! I don’t mean a light run, I’m talking  full out- full blown SPRINT!

Okay maybe I’m exaggerating maybe everyone deserves a chance but if things turn out bad, if you end up on the bathroom floor at 1am bawling your eyes out in the dark, remember I warned you. What I’ve come to realize is that when you stumble upon these “diamonds” their shine eclipses the darkest part of them, the part buried deep. The issue here is that when you first meet someone I mean really meet; tongue out and really lick the intimate parts of their soul you haven’t burrowed deep enough to taste their dark side. As you continue to taste and lick away the layers this is what happens:

  • you share jokes
  • you have some deep connections
  • your mind connects on another level
  • you begin to entwine with them
  • they make you smile and laugh more than normal
  • secrets!!
  • you share interests
  • you may even be able to communicate without words (i’m not joking here people)

And it’s these things, these distractions that prevent you from realize that the more you “lick” the darker the colors become the deeper you go. It’s the sparks that sidetrack and distract you from the impending darkness.

Slowly things begin to change. The jokes become double edged swords. Smiles become sly and dangerous. Words start to drip more and more with sarcasm, disdain, and annoyance. You haven’t even realize it but you’ve burrowed to the parts of your diamond that was not meant to be seen….. the inside. It is dark; tainted; it is black.   The deeper you burrow the more you realize that there is no more sweet layers of soul, there are only layers that are sour and bitter. You struggle and keep burrowing in search of the sweetness that was there in the beginning but I’m sorry to say you’ve devoured it all. Slowly you begin to cringe from the thought of them and when you see them you mirror what you receive; hate. Yes, hate. You don’t know how it got there but it did; maybe it’s fueled by jealousy; maybe frustration; maybe anger but the hate is there throbbing and growing as if it is alive and is breathing the darkness within.

When this happens people it’s time to stop burrowing and remember damn she did tell me to run. Sometimes it’s worth it you learn so much from that person but sometimes the hurt isn’t worth it (it’s up to you to decide). Listen up! When that diamond decides to cut don’t be surprised. You may have to hurt and cry for a while but if you hold on to the hurt you’ll never heal and move on, your insides will become just as dark if not darker. Forgive the person(s), forget the actions, but never forget the pain and the lessons! Trudge carefully when stumbling upon these deceitful diamonds; these best friends. They can be many things but they are dangerous and if you entrust in them your very soul and secrets they can most likely betray you with their darkness.

note:

  •   best friends from childhood are less likely to hurt or harm you beware of newer people that you know very little about!!
  • not everyone is a diamond on the outside n dark on the inside some people are reversed
  • Also make the most out of that hurt and learn a lesson!

The audacity of friendship


Quite simply b.s
that is the audacity of friendship
it ripens; it falls; it withers –
it is reborn
eternally recyclable.

The audacity of friendship is the audacity of trust
of an incomplete soul for the full
you will never know
and yet the audacity is naivety
because you jump in head first expecting to be caught.

The audacity of friendship is innocence
virginal, dove-white-pure!
It is love, it is stupidity and it is jokes shared.
Memories unfurling :naked
full of tears and smiles
that is the audacity of friendship!
The audacity of friendship is the audacity of the unknown-
the worst kind of audacity; the audacity of the unknown.